Category: personal

#NoOneToldMe: My Story With OCD

Ashika GeorgeLeave a comment

I am finally back on this blog, rebranded (at least for now) and ready to take on the world!

I wanted to share something that is very important to me and others too in fact because it has changed my life in more ways than one. Instagram has already seen my post and caption in partnership with Made of Millions. But I figured I should delve a bit more into my story. So here we go, this is the story of my long struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder and why it needs to be understood better and why sufferers deserve all the help and love they need.

I won’t lie, I used to believe that OCD was just a thing where you want things arranged neatly or in order, tidiness and perfection being the main components. The first time I had heard of the term “OCD” was actually on Disney Channel. Being a young impressionable teenager, I assumed this was true and joined the masses who thought of OCD as a quirk. “I’m so OCD” or “My OCD is not liking this” and other similar phrases are thrown around like it doesn’t mean much. Well, it clearly isn’t anything like the misconceptions portrayed in the media and propagated by the general public. OCD in reality consists of intrusive thoughts that cause great anxiety and then a performance of compulsions to provide relief, though temporary.

I have been getting intrusive thoughts since I was a child, though I did not know it had anything to do with a mental illness. Harming others, people I know in person or even celebrities doing things that are inappropriate, family members doing something strange were the themes and caused me to be upset. But back in those days, I didn’t think too much of them and was able to move on in life with some ease. It wasn’t until the late summer of 2018 that the symptoms developed into something worse. That summer was comprised of anxiety over A-Level results and acceptance into university but also some great memories with friends and family. A holiday in August of that year was a good time of relaxation and where I received my results (spoiler: I got the grades I worked for and was accepted into my first-choice university). So nothing could go wrong from that point, right? Wrong. Returning home and then the subsequent days changed my life forever. Thoughts of a sexual nature of a child I know well and think of as a little sister plagued my brain and would not leave. I cried every day and lived in fear that I was slowly becoming a deviant, something I’m definitely against. So why was I having these thoughts? After doing the traditional search on Google for answers, I did come across users on forums who experienced the same symptoms and that was some reassurance that I was not alone. OCD appeared by name and this is where I began to understand what it truly is. But that obviously did not stop the thoughts from making regular appearances in my mind.

In September of that year, I moved to university for my first year and this was a period where I felt the thoughts were disappearing and I would be fine once again. New friends, flatmates and the exciting life in a big city and at university were proving to be a good distraction and a reminder that life doesn’t have to change, I’m still me. But with any illness comes relapses and that’s exactly what happened with myself. I sought counselling with the student services at university which was helpful but once again, that wasn’t enough. During my second term, sleep became an issue and I was not attending lectures and tutorials regularly. It was hopeless.

By the end of my first year, I sought out counselling again and this time I was urged to visit a doctor and seek professional help. I’m not sure why I didn’t do so sooner but the thoughts of stigma, fear of explaining my thoughts and family perhaps prevented me. I was able to do my exams and life started to look brighter again too. Despite it being the summer and it was close to return home for the holidays, I went to my GP and lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. I spoke to my psychiatrist for the first time on the phone and we arranged to meet once I returned to university. Fast forward to October 2019 and we meet in person for the first time and I proceeded to tell him everything. That was when he officially diagnosed me with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, I had my suspicions but didn’t want to self-diagnose but this was the confirmation. I began taking medication and also saw a counsellor again.

Since then until now, I have had many relapses that had me bed-ridden, unable to attend classes and go outside. Literally, I have attended only a handful this whole academic year! With COVID-19 it was also cut short and meant I had to return home, with no updated batch of medication and in an environment I’m not comfortable in. I have been through many extreme periods of darkness, contemplating suicide and even writing a final note. But I’m fighting and with everything I have been through these last nearly 3 years, I suppose I am a fighter after all. There is still a long way to go as I’m waiting for therapy (CBT) but I’m continuing. I’m determined to make my life great again and take back myself, and I sure want this to be the case for everyone else who has OCD.

The reality of OCD is dark. The thoughts we get range from a variety of themes such as harm/violence, sexuality or sexual deviance, existentialism, health and even incest. So you should see now that there isn’t really anything to do with tidying up. Even if there was an involvement of cleanliness, it would be doing so because if you didn’t, something terrible would happen to your family. To give you an honest representation of thoughts in OCD, here are some examples:

If I am using a knife in the kitchen while my mum is next to me, I could stab her to death.

I picked up the child for too long, what if I molested them?

I didn’t wash my hands properly/several times, I’m going to get a disease.

These thoughts can also occur at the most random, or inappropriate moments such as during family/public gatherings, sexual intimacy, meetings/interviews, funerals, weddings etc. Thoughts aren’t the only symptom either, OCD comes with physical sensations, urges/impulses too which causes further suffering. OCD does not care, it just wants to torment you. No one told me that OCD was an enemy living inside my own head.

The stigma surrounding the disorder is so great as has been established. This then contributes to individuals to not seek professional help out of fear, guilt, shame or misunderstanding. It is so crucial that OCD is recognised as a genuine illness and what the symptoms are to break this stigma. Then sufferers such as myself could have been treated much earlier and not suffer in silence for years. I hope the awareness that is brought will change how OCD is perceived. Chrissie Hodges is a great individual who accomplishes this on her YouTube channel and Instagram page. The organisation Made of Millions (who I have partnered with in sharing my story) strive to do so as well. Please check them out!

Thank you for reading, I do hope you are now aware of what OCD is and if you suffer from it yourself, that you know you aren’t alone. Also a special thank you to Made of Millions for encouraging and sharing our stories for their campaign #NoOneToldMe.

Take care of yourselves 🙂

 

It takes an average of 10 years for a person suffering from a psychiatric disorder to seek help. Half of which start before the age of 14. Each year spent suffering in silence, is a year lost.

This #mentalhealthawarenessmonth, I’m proud to partner with @madeofmillions_ for their #NoOneToldMe campaign focused on bringing awareness to the treatment gap — the long, avoidable years so many of us spend suffering in silence. Learn more at madeofmillions.com. If you’re in the U.S. and experiencing a crisis, text MADE to 741741 for free, 24/7 support.

1st year of university – the disturbing truth

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So I’m nearing the end of my first year at university and once I finish my final exam, I can start packing and return home. Looking back, it has been a strange year. Before I moved into my halls, the feelings that coursed through my body were of excitement and joy, I couldn’t wait to start university.

Fast forward to December 2018 and I am in a messy state of anxiety and depression. Why did i become like this? The work I had to complete took a large toll on me. I was lonely with barely anyone to talk to or interact with and that was also partly due to my lack of social skills/anxiety. I didn’t feel as if i could approach anyone. My health plummeted so much that I ended up skipping lectures and tutorials because I just couldn’t get up out of bed. Not only that, my sleep cycle has very much been destroyed with irregular sleeping patterns. Despite speaking to my lecturer about my problems and attending counselling session, I felt as if I was a lost cause.

Now, as of May 2019, i still very much feel the same if not worse. I barely ever had breakfast. Once again, I skipped lectures and tutorials because I was ill. I was terrified of my assignment results but thankfully, I pulled through with some firsts. I have been anxious throughout this exam season and am anxious for exam results. I feel like a disappointment to my family for spending so much of their money and a disappointment to myself: that no matter how much I try I never seem to get better. I cried so much for days, feeling hopeless about whether I’ll ever feel good like my past self. Thoughts of me being dead entered my mind too…all of these exhibit my mental and physical state throughout this year and it makes me shed more tears. These past few days, I have experienced some joy thanks to the lovely people I have met this year. But now, as I’m writing this post, I have gone back to the same gloomy girl with no energy or desire and a puddle of tears, a shell of my former self. But this is nobody’s fault and it’s not mine either.

I’m awaiting the future where i will get help and this is something I encourage others to do as well. I’m working so hard to become better again and that is a promise I make to myself and my loved ones. Everyone goes through difficult times at university and I wanted to share my experiences.

What I Wish I Knew Before Starting College

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So it’s getting close to the last few months of my college years and my, it’s been a journey. I loved college for its freedom, relaxed environment and social aspects (I mean, who doesn’t?) But there are some things that I just wish I knew before I actually began college and perhaps it would’ve been just a little easier.

1. The teachers can be useless

Honestly, the teachers in college are usually nice and understanding. Unfortunately, they can be a bit unhelpful at times. From my experience, teachers took ages to respond to emails, never spoke to me in lessons to check on my work or they’re just bad in general. If I had known this before I enrolled, I would’ve ensured that I literally got all my work completed from the get-go so the only thing I had to worry about was asking for improvements. But thanks to this issue, myself and other friends/classmates were left on our own to do everything.

2. You’re probably not gonna have many friends

Unless you’re good at socialising, then you’re fine.

3. Your subjects are not going to be easy

I think it’s common knowledge by now that A-Levels are definitely not easy. You may be taking 3/4 subjects but the workload is massive. If I had prepared for this and developed a habit of studying and getting organised, I would have been much less stressed.

4. Never take Media Studies

The subject is probably fine in other colleges, but in mine? IT IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER NIGHTMARE. Not only is our teacher not good, she makes the subject way too hard when it’s actually not. Our temporary teacher, while she was away on maternity leave, was an infinite times better, knew how to teach, was funny and friendly and helped us achieve A grades with ease. If he was the main teacher I would have still taken it. But if I had known beforehand that I would get a bad teacher, I wouldn’t have and would’ve chosen another subject.

5. Concessions are available

Well, I managed to just about sign up for concessions this year, but if I had known from the beginning that it was an option, I may have applied in the first year and thus, do my exams with ease. Concessions are basically options you can take for the exams: using a laptop, additional time, being in a separate room etc.

6. You can be an A* student at GCSE but don’t expect much at A-Level

I kinda fared well despite this, mainly because I wasn’t actually an A* student so it was a process of moving up the line. But the amount of work I had to put in to achieve A grades was massive. I should have looked through the specs for my courses so I knew how it all worked.

7. The library is actually comfortable for studying

Our library isn’t huge, but it’s not too bad either. When it’s sunny, the sunbeams come through the ceiling window and it’s just a nice atmosphere to get cosy and studying. I wish I went to the library more often so I could’ve done this.

I can’t think of anything else that I wish I knew, to be honest. College has been interesting so far but if all of this was common knowledge before I officially enrolled I would’ve been a lot more cautious. If you’re still yet to go to college, please consider everything carefully and seriously. If you’re in your first year, you can still make up for everything in your second year at least. Don’t be like me :””) I don’t want to see the next generation of students struggle.

Where Have I Been?

Ashika GeorgeLeave a comment

Hey guys!

I know what you’re thinking, where on earth have I been?

I don’t think I have much of an excuse, to be honest. These last couple of months, I guess I lost some of my interest in blogging as well as personal matters and studying. I didn’t really know what to write about and where I was going with this blog. But now the year is coming to an end and I want to start fresh in 2018!

One of my resolutions for 2018 is to write more often on this blog. But what am I going to write about? Since my love for reading has returned, I decided that I would write book reviews and do some book-related posts. I might also share some other random content that I think would be useful for you all. I will warn you though, I have final exams this year and if you notice that I’m inactive during May-June, then I will be away trying to get those grades for university!

So I hope you all look forward to the new content I will create on this blog and I wish you all a happy and prosperous 2018! 🙂

Finding Your Passion

Ashika George1 Comment

It took me years before I finally realised what I love doing and what I’m good at. As a child, I firmly knew that I loved arts and crafts. I used to spend a lot of time trying to be creative and while my Mum encouraged it, school ultimately won over my time.

Once I was into primary school this flame inside me, of drawing/painting/being creative, was decreasing into nonexistence. My parents were more concerned about looking at top scores and grades on a piece of paper rather than my passion and interests, which truly made me happy instead of maths or science.

Secondary school was the worst. I was thrust into a hectic schedule of studying and GCSE’s invaded majority of my time. While choosing my GCSE options, I was determined to choose photography and music. However, my parents convinced me to not take photography because it wasn’t worth a GCSE to take pictures. Music was ruled out because it wasn’t “academic” enough. To say I was incredibly frustrated is an understatement. I ended up doing subjects I didn’t even enjoy. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had followed my heart instead of my parents. It didn’t help that my grandfather told me that medicine was the best path for me, despite the fact that I absolutely detest science.

Then came college. This current part of my life so far has been a significant improvement. My parents are now more accepting towards my career aspirations after they saw the hell I experienced during GCSE. I took subjects that I was genuinely interested in for once, although I still regret not taking photography once again.

Perhaps the problem underlies in the fact that my culture is rather restrictive when it comes to an individual’s passion. I’m sure you’re aware of the typical Indian stereotype of every student being forced to take either medicine or engineering. Believe me, I’ve been to India several times and pretty much everyone I’ve met is either studying to become a doctor/nurse, engineer or accountant. I can’t help but feel sorry for them. Good for them if they truly love these career paths but surely, there are many Indian youths who would rather study something else. My oldest cousin was originally studying accounting or something related to economics/business. But he simply didn’t want to go down that route and our family realised that it wasn’t working for him. Now he’s studying hotel management and is seemingly a lot happier. Unfortunately, India has still yet to move forward in this area. Anything that does not fit the traditional standards is usually seen as a hobby rather than a potential career choice, such as art. Being raised in Britain is certainly a blessing as it has opened doors for me that would not have happened had I remained in India.

My struggle in finding my passion wasn’t just about my future career, but also in discovering what I’m good at. Some of the biggest things in my life which I am upset about is not being able to develop my art skills. Since I was continuously forced to study, I never had much time to practice drawing or painting. Thus, my artistic skills are still very basic compared to my friends who are now almost at a professional level. Now that I have slightly more freedom, I’ve been returning to my beloved world of creativity and will keep working to hone my skills.

My advice to you is to go ahead and follow your dreams. Don’t let anyone judge your aspirations and keep practising so you’ll become good at what you love doing. If you’re still young then I cannot stress enough how you should do so, because later in life you will look back at that former glory and regret not following your heart just like I have. Explore different things, find what you’re good at and what you love and it can be anything. Then stick to it because it will be the key thing that will define YOU.

Being Comfortable With Myself – Appearances + “Body Positivity”

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Honestly, adolescence is an enormous wake-up call to reality.

I’ll use my experience as an example.

Growth and transition to adulthood are not just the change in physical appearance, our minds shift drastically. Those eyes that only cared about looking at butterflies in the garden became fixated on the cellulite hanging off my torso. Then came acne and a series of episodes where I became self-conscious about my appearance. Of course, I can’t leave out my mole, which is on a terrible part of my face. I used to be called “pencil-legs” by family and friends and even used to be the tallest in my entire primary school. Then I built up fat in the most unsightly places, due to my careless eating, and didn’t grow any further than 5″3.

You get the point, I hated the fact that my body changed for the worse. I have myself to blame and the raging hormones. So what happened next?

I started using social media when I was 13 so you can guess the nightmare that followed. Beautifully shaped girls with perfectly symmetrical facial structures, no blemishes, nice flowing hair, gorgeous lashes and tall, slender frames constructed most of my friends and my Instagram feed. My self-esteem plummeted so hard that I even developed jealousy over guys and their perfect muscled figures with sharp jawlines. Even when I put on makeup, I still didn’t look as good as my friends, who became the equivalent of supermodels once they started dolling up in secondary school. My pudginess was used as a token for others to say “you’re beautiful just the way you are” or “you don’t need to change that, just be you”. But something didn’t feel quite right in that aspect.

Needless to say, I hated my face. I hated how I couldn’t be as perfect as them. I hated how no matter hard I tried, I still looked horrible. I hated the fact no boy would ever come up to me and want to be my boyfriend (cringy but you know).

But that’s no longer the case (for the most part).

Now, I’ve decided that I couldn’t really care less about my face. I’ve improved my makeup techniques so that’s a plus. But most of all, I learnt to really love my looks. This is the way I was created by God and He makes no mistakes. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and smile, and I have to admit that it’s really cute! 🙂 Seriously, go to your mirror and smile, it really helps.

As for my overweight body? I knew that it would be unhealthy and damaging to my body if I continued that lifestyle of binging junk food, so I now hit the gym and am improving my diet. There is a stark difference between accepting how your face looks and how the rest of your body looks. I realised this quite recently. Having a certain-shaped nose or thin eyebrows isn’t harmful to you in slightest. But being overweight or obese? That is definitely going to cause problems with your health if you don’t act to change it. I didn’t want to destroy my life so I chose the wise choice of working hard to improve my health. Although, my progress is a little slow because I am inevitably lazy sometimes.

I want all of you, girls and boys, to love yourselves. Don’t worry about how your face looks, those who won’t accept the fact that that’s who you are, don’t deserve you. But remember, if you truly and deeply care for your body, you will work hard to make sure it stays healthy. Don’t succumb to the false messages that people provide in this day and age about body positivity. It’s good to accept your appearance as it is, but it is also important that you take care of it as well.

 

A Tale of Two Cultures: Poetry & Thoughts

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Being brought up

in two cultures

is a blessing.

The door to opportunity,

ambition and reality

is open.

Take what you like

to add to your

identity.

But nothing should

define you

other than

yourself.

– Ashika

I’m British-Indian. I’m ethnically Indian and migrated to the United Kingdom when I was a clueless 2-year-old with my Dad. Growing up in two cultures was fascinating but challenging, to say the least.

British culture has allowed me to be open, ambitious and encouraged to chase my passions and dreams. It has also taught me tolerance, respect and kindness to others. My Indian heritage has also taught me similar philosophies. But what I truly cherish from India is our diversity as a nation in language, religion, culture and much more. Our clothing and festivals are so vibrant and it sparks happiness when I show my British friends the wonders of my country.

I used to detest one or the other as I grew up, believing that it is not possible for me to value both as much as each other. I felt as if I can’t be British enough or I can’t be Indian enough. There were times where I was discouraged from “becoming too British”, as in not becoming like those English kids at school who do whatever they want, swear, have families that are split and not perfect. Even embracing my Indian identity had me scared for some reason, as if others will laugh at me for talking about curry or might snicker discreetly when I show my churidhar in class. But I love my English friends, I love the roast dinners and fish and chips at school, I love the carefree nature of those I have come to know living in Britain. I also love when my friends say they love Indian cuisine, I love showing off my traditional clothing, wearing them to school events and having classmates say it looks beautiful.

I grew tired of this pointless clash between cultures. There are bits and pieces that anyone who grew up in a multicultural family can value close to their heart. So I decided that I’ll embrace both my Indian and British identity, after all it makes me more unique as an individual and I shouldn’t run away from that. I also found that such an identity encourages a deeper understanding of the world and that reality is a door for endless possibilities and splendour. My eyes opened and witnessed the beauty of a culturally diverse person. A culturally diverse person is intelligent, aware, respectful, tolerant and possesses a kind and curious soul and thus can pass on these qualities to others so that may be the same.

Embrace your heritage and value your other half as well, for it is truly a blessing.

An Introduction

Aside Ashika George3 Comments

Hello, my lovely-jubblies! I’m Ashika, a British-Indian bibliophile, art lover, photographer and egalitarian and lots more too. I’m a college student in the UK, studying English Literature, Communication & Culture and Media Studies in the hopes of becoming a photo/travel journalist. Words cannot describe how much I adore literature. From classics to contemporary, I read […]