So I’m nearing the end of my first year at university and once I finish my final exam, I can start packing and return home. Looking back, it has been a strange year. Before I moved into my halls, the feelings that coursed through my body were of excitement and joy, I couldn’t wait to start university.

Fast forward to December 2018 and I am in a messy state of anxiety and depression. Why did i become like this? The work I had to complete took a large toll on me. I was lonely with barely anyone to talk to or interact with and that was also partly due to my lack of social skills/anxiety. I didn’t feel as if i could approach anyone. My health plummeted so much that I ended up skipping lectures and tutorials because I just couldn’t get up out of bed. Not only that, my sleep cycle has very much been destroyed with irregular sleeping patterns. Despite speaking to my lecturer about my problems and attending counselling session, I felt as if I was a lost cause.

Now, as of May 2019, i still very much feel the same if not worse. I barely ever had breakfast. Once again, I skipped lectures and tutorials because I was ill. I was terrified of my assignment results but thankfully, I pulled through with some firsts. I have been anxious throughout this exam season and am anxious for exam results. I feel like a disappointment to my family for spending so much of their money and a disappointment to myself: that no matter how much I try I never seem to get better. I cried so much for days, feeling hopeless about whether I’ll ever feel good like my past self. Thoughts of me being dead entered my mind too…all of these exhibit my mental and physical state throughout this year and it makes me shed more tears. These past few days, I have experienced some joy thanks to the lovely people I have met this year. But now, as I’m writing this post, I have gone back to the same gloomy girl with no energy or desire and a puddle of tears, a shell of my former self. But this is nobody’s fault and it’s not mine either.

I’m awaiting the future where i will get help and this is something I encourage others to do as well. I’m working so hard to become better again and that is a promise I make to myself and my loved ones. Everyone goes through difficult times at university and I wanted to share my experiences.